Working Towards Our Purpose

Welcome Back to episode 52 of Working towards our

purpose. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad I'm here.

A little check in before the episode, as I've

been doing recently. I'm

not feeling that great today. I wasn't when I woke up and

not really sure why, but again,

you know, ask yourself how you're feeling today and then check in with yourself

before we get into it. And,

yeah, I was trying to rationalize why I wasn't feeling

great today, this morning, because I had

a pretty great week so far. I had the past two days

have felt, like, really productive. Really

felt like I got to do the things that I wanted to. Got to do

some cool things. And. Yeah, I don't know, I just woke up and

was not feeling good. And I didn't

get probably enough sleep last night, but

I was trying not to, like, rationalize it. Um, and so

anyways, I was thinking about today's episode, and I had a topic in mind.

And yeah, once again, I kind of just,

like, put that aside. And we have a new topic for today's

episode. So today's episode, I want to talk about mental

health. I want to talk about depression. And,

yeah, just kind of. Kind of get into it. And

I've been going to therapy for probably six or seven years

now, and it took me a really long time

to identify with the word depression because I always

just assumed that, like, other people had it worse and,

you know, didn't really like to use the word.

Didn't really. I guess at first I just didn't really understand

it or knew what it meant. But then, like, after going through

many different therapy sessions and kind of, like getting,

you know, help from a therapist and hearing

kind of her experience with, like, you

know, what it is from a clinical sense, and everything

started more and more kind of identifying with it. And I still

have a hard time talking or I guess identifying with the word

or saying, like, I'm depressed, but it is something that I do

struggle with. And I think this morning was a

example of that. And. And just kind of for

no reason, didn't feel good. And.

Yeah, so I kind of wanted to, like, break that down a little bit.

Cause that could mean, like, so many different things. And I'd like to just, like,

talk about what it means for me. And of

course, that doesn't mean, like, that's what it is for everybody. I think people have

many different sort of

variations of it. And, you know, I don't know, just kind

of want to have an open Discussion about like what, what depression is for me,

in hopes that maybe it like connects with, with someone who's listening.

So for me, I think most of the time when I'm

feeling depressed, it's sort of like

a negative spiral that kind of starts

undetermined point, you know, it just,

it's a lot of like negative thinking, a lot of bad thinking about myself.

Like I'm incompetent or can't do something or

shouldn't be doing something or a lot of it

goes to worthiness. I don't feel worthy of something I don't feel,

you know, and it can be anything really. And it kind of just,

when it, when I say spiral, it kind of just goes into like it'll start

somewhere and then it just kind of goes to every area of your

thinking of my thinking and then

yeah, it's kind of hard to recover from it sometimes or

I used to have a harder time trying to get out of that thought

process. Just the constant negative thinking

that then leads to inaction

usually leads to trying to distract myself with something

or like, you know, numbing myself with like TV

or whatever. It could be

just to sort of distract yourself from the

feeling that you don't want the uncomfortable feeling, the

sort of negative self talk. So yeah, I mean even as I'm

talking about it, it's like really hard to describe. And I

think part of the reason why it's hard to describe is you,

at least for me, like, you forget so easily.

Like I feel like when I'm in a

negative spiral and feeling depressed, once I'm out of it, I

like almost completely forget how it feels. So it becomes

really hard to sort of describe, I

guess. And I think in moments

of being actually

in sort of a depression and being able to try to communicate

with, with people with like close friends or like

with a therapist, like showing up to therapy depressed and

really sort of like trying to push through how I'm feeling and

like my therapist like forcing me to be like, well, how do you feel? Like,

where are you feeling that? What does that mean? I think it may

be sort of, that's how I get some sort of inclination

of like remembering how I feel.

But yeah, it

sort of is just like, yeah,

just feeling like you're not good enough. Really. Like, and, and I know those words

don't really like, do it justice, but,

but that, but that's how I, that's kind of, I think, how my depression shows

up. And so it used to be something

that I struggled with for like days

at A time, I think. I think there was a couple times where it was

like, maybe a week or more. Again, the memory of recalling it is

usually hazy. But, yeah, I used to, like, find

myself in, like, depressive

episodes, I guess, if you'd call it for, like, more than a

day. Like, you know, you'd go to bed, you wake up, you kind of feel

the same way. Thankfully, I don't really

have too many that last more than a day anymore. Um, and

I think that's because I have a lot of tools to try to, like, recognize

what's happening and to try to remedy the situation

with another handful of tools that, you know, I have at

my disposal now after, like, working on it and,

you know, getting help through therapy and talking to close friends who also

experience similar, you know, struggles.

And so, yeah, the length of it is like,

I don't know. I usually find. Nowadays I find that, like, if

I can try to find something to make myself feel good

about myself, I can almost know that my

brain's lying to me and being like, okay, well, these thoughts are just

thoughts. They're not really who I am. And that's the hard part. With

suppression, you think that your thoughts are who you are,

and that's not true. You

know, your thoughts, you can have many thoughts about a million different things every day,

and they don't mean that, like, that's who you are as

a person or, you know, just because you have a bad thought doesn't mean, like,

you're a bad person. So. So kind of separating yourself

from the thoughts and, like, who you are as a value

of a human. So

I think a lot of times I always try to justify, like, why it's happening,

and I'll be like, oh, I feel bad because I did this or because I

messed this up or whatever. But I think part of it, part of the letting

go of it is

helpful because, like, sometimes there isn't really a reason or maybe you

can't find the reason. It's just happening. It's just it, you know, it just

is what it is. And I think acceptance is. Been

helpful for me to try to, like, get through it instead of, like, pushing

back against it. Because that's. That's. I think when it stays longer

is when I'm resisting it and I'm pushing it away. And I'm

like, no, this isn't. No, I don't like this. No, I don't like this. And

then it just kind of ends up staying longer. Whereas if you can.

Whereas if I can sort of accept it and be

like, okay, this is how I'm feeling. Then I notice that it kind of just

like, passes through me instead of, like, getting caught to me.

Um, so. So, yeah, I don't know.

So the idea of this episode was to kind of just describe this,

and it is getting. You know, I do want to get to like, kind of

wrap up with a point. But. But yeah, I

think. I also want to say that, like,

I think a lot of times

people, like, this isn't like an uncommon thing. Like, a lot of people struggle with

this. And I think that a lot of

times we can forget that. Like,

people struggle with things and like, I don't know, it just reminds me of, like,

you never know what somebody's going through in their own head. Like, they could seem

completely fine and completely normal. And,

you know, I think that's why I like to try to

not assume bad of people. And like, even if somebody does something that, like, upsets

you or whatever, it's like, well, maybe. Maybe they're going through something. Like, I don't

know. So, I don't know. I guess just maybe a little reminder to

maybe try to be a little kinder to the person next to you because you

don't know really what they're going through. So,

yeah, I think I like to try to do that.

So anyways, the point that I kind of want to get to is

how to. I guess I just want to talk about my experience

of pulling myself out of it this morning. Um, because.

So, yeah, I. I woke up, I was like, really thinking about the podcast and

I was like, oh, I don't think I can do this today. Like, I, I.

The topic that I want to talk about, I don't feel. I don't feel it

today, and I don't feel like I can talk about it. Um,

and I always go for a run in the morning. I always, like, do

yoga and meditate before a podcast because I really want to get my head

in the right space before I record. And today I.

I did yoga, I meditated, and I was like, really close

to not going for a run, but I was like, just get out there. Cause

you'll feel better. I went out for a run, and then during my

run, I, as

I alluded to earlier, like, having these. These tools that I have at my disposal

now, I. Something popped into my head and I was like, oh, yeah, like

gratitude. When I'm in a. When

I. When I'm feeling depressed or when I'm, like, in a bad mood or even

having a bad Day. A tool that I can use is practicing

gratitude and literally just taking one thing and being like, oh, I'm

grateful for this. And that has been

really helpful for me in the past, and it was really helpful for me today

because the first thing that came to my mind was like, oh, I get to

record this podcast today. Like. Like, that's. That's

something that, like, I feel like I want

to be doing. I feel like I want to be using my voice, that I'm

able to do that. And I feel grateful to

be able to do something that I care about and believe in

and. Because I. Because that wasn't my experience for so long with work.

But, like, I didn't feel like I cared about it. I didn't. I didn't.

You know, I didn't feel connected to it. I didn't feel like I was making

any positive impact. So here, now I do

feel like that, and I'm truly grateful for that. And

I think that, you know, just thinking about that

completely, like, changed it. Like,

you get out of a rut. Like, it pushed me out of a rut. And

I was like, oh, wow, that is, like, I. I do want

to, like, appreciate that, because I think it's important. And.

And, yeah, so I think the last

thing that I kind of want to tie to it, too, was, like,

the quote that I read in. In last episode about Dharma,

and if you haven't listened to it, you can go listen to it. It was

just the episode before this, episode 51, because I can't remember exactly what it was

right now, but it was about, like,

you know, if you're. If you're working in your Dharma, if you're working with

purpose, then it doesn't eliminate the suffering, but it

gives reason to the suffering to make it worthwhile.

And as I was running, I was thinking about that,

and I was like, that's. That's what this. This.

This feels like. That. This feels like an example of what that quote was, what

feels like an example of what Dharma is. I didn't

want to do this, but I pushed myself

to. To try and show up in the best way that I could, because

it's something that I feel called to do and I

feel is an important thing to me

and is true to me. So

I've had so many jobs before where, like, you know, I woke up feeling depressed,

and I was like, well, I guess I'm going to be on my phone today.

I'm just going to, you know, I'm just going to try to get through the

day I'm not going to talk to anybody, I'll just, you know, suck it

up for eight hours. Then I'll go home and I'll go to sleep or I'll

go watch TV or something. But

now I didn't want to do that. I

wanted to push myself to. And I say push, but,

like, you know, gently push myself to

show up, because I feel that this is important to me, and

I feel that. Yeah, I don't know. I feel

like I'm not doing a good job articulating it, but I think you get what

I mean. It feels important enough to me to,

like, push through the uncomfortable feelings, the

depression to get here anyways, to show up the best that I

can, because I feel that it's important to me.

And. And, yeah, it was just kind of a cool moment when I. While I

was running. And it really made me feel good about it

and feel good about what I'm doing. So. Yeah. And I

don't say that to, like, you know, maybe make someone feel

bad who isn't. Who maybe is in an opposite

position, but more so as

an example of me feeling that this

idea of dharma or purpose is sort

of happening or is a

true thing, that it exists and it's something to strive

for. Maybe. I don't know. I don't really know, I guess,

what I'm trying to say, but. But, yeah, I just wanted to share that

with. With you today because I thought it was

significant for me. And, yeah, just sort of

like a, you know, I think again, with

kind of like leaning into the idea of, like, doing. Trying to show up as

authentic as I can with this podcast and not trying to be

somebody that I'm not and just trying to be

vulnerable and authentic. And

that's what felt authentic to me today. So.

So, yeah, hopefully it was helpful for you.

And, yeah, I think. I think.

Oh, well, I think the last thing that maybe I wanted to say, I have

on my. On my note board here that

I think also during my run, I was

reminded of something that I read recently in

one of the books that I'm reading. I'm not sure which one, but it was

saying something about how the thing that you perceive as your

weakness is actually

your strength. And I think that

for me, I've always

perceived my depression as a weakness, as something wrong with me.

And I don't know, I don't want to say it's a

strength, but. Well, maybe I do. I think

it's given me empathy to be able to understand other people who

go through the same thing. But I also think that

turning it into this podcast today is a strength. Turning it into something

that is constructive and positive

is a strength. Because I could have went on with my day just

feeling bad about myself, and

I didn't. Like, I was able to

reframe it, pull myself out of it, and then make sort of

an episode that hopefully resonates with people.

So, yeah, again, I don't say that to say, like, you know,

if you didn't do that today, then, like, I'm better than you or anything. But

just saying that to say, like, we. Our weaknesses

can be our strengths. And a lot

of times, I think because we've suffered through something, we now have a new

perspective that can help us in the future. So I

just wanted to say that because I think that that's important, too. But,

yeah, so that's all I got for you today. Thank you for

listening, as always. I do appreciate it even a little bit more today.

And, yeah, I will see you on another episode real

soon. I hope you have a good rest of your week.

Thanks for listening.