Working Towards Our Purpose

Hello, and welcome to episode 83 of Working

towards our purpose. In today's episode, we are going to talk about

the fear of starting over. But before we get into that,

gonna take a moment and just check in with ourselves and see

how we're feeling, where we're at today.

All right. Hopefully you got a second there to tune into

yourself. And for me, feeling a little

nervous, a little anxious, a little excited.

Yeah, lots. Lots of those types of emotions,

but, yeah. So today's episode, we're going to talk about the fear of starting over.

And kind of what spawned this episode

idea was

me doing something new. I am

doing an open mic night tonight by myself for the first

time ever and feeling pretty nervous about it.

It's new for me. You know, I've been making music for a while, but

I've really struggled sharing it and, like,

certainly playing it, especially playing in front of other people.

So this is pretty new for me, and I'm

feeling excited and mostly

prepared, but still very scared and very afraid

of using my voice in that way in front of the people that are

looking at me very uncomfortable. But

I know that it's something that I want to do, and I know that it's

going to be something that's going to help me get better at music, and

that's, you know, my main thing I care about is

music. So, like, I need to continue to put effort into

that and push that forward. So, yeah,

feeling scared, feeling like I don't want to do it and I want to

hide, but I'm going to push myself through that and do it anyways.

But it brings me to this idea of the

fear of being. Doing something new and just

being afraid of looking bad or looking

cringe or, for me, sounding

bad. I'm trying to be perfect. I want to

make sure that I sound the best that I can.

Yeah, you just try to be perfect, but it's the first time that you're doing

it and everybody starts somewhere. Like,

all of your favorite musicians and

writers and whoever you look up to all started

somewhere, and you have to start in order to get good.

So trying to remind myself that it doesn't even matter

if it's something that doesn't go as

well as I wanted it to. It's more so the fact that I did it

and pushing yourself to do something uncomfortable and growing,

and that's the main thing to focus on. I think for me,

in this moment of doing something that is uncomfortable.

But, yeah, so I think

it kind of reminds me a little bit of

leaving my corporate job and trying to start over and trying to

find something new and being afraid of what to do, afraid to make the wrong

decision and thinking of

how I stayed in that corporate job for so long and

why is it that I was stuck there? Why is it that

if you know you want to make a change, do you get stuck in this

position of doing something that you know you don't want? And

I think what can keep us stuck is

not only fearing being cringe or being bad at

something, but also the competence trap. And

I think what this means is you're doing something and you know that

you're good at it or you know that you can complete it. Like, for me,

when I was doing my engineering job, it was very, very

simple. And like, there was same procedures

of stuff that I had to do and nothing was, like, hard or out of

the ordinary. And I remember, like, trying to think about, well, maybe I should

get a different job within the company and maybe I should go somewhere else and,

you know, something that's more interesting. But I always kind

of stopped myself because I was like, well,

somebody even told me one time, like, the devil you know is better than the

devil. You don't know something like that. So I would always

have that in my mind and be like, yeah, you know, this isn't ideal,

but at least I know what

to expect. And I don't know that it's going to be

something could be worse. So I would always kind of just stay there.

And I think being afraid

of moving and doing something new,

moving to a new job and having to figure it all out again and to

be new at it and to be a beginner is harder than

just staying where you're competent, staying where you know how

to do your job. So, yeah, just

thinking about the idea that doing something new

is hard and starting over

is doing something new. So that's why I feel like it's so easy to get

caught in the trap of just stay where you are because,

you know, everything feels safe, everything is

expected. And I feel like I can control everything.

And I think that's a big part of it too, is feeling like you can

control everything. But when you do something new. Excuse me,

when you do something new, you don't have as many controls over it

because you don't know what to expect and you've never done it before. So it

feels more scary. And yeah, it's harder.

It feels harder because it is harder. But

I think that being stuck and

being stuck in a job that you want or being stuck in My

example, being stuck in not progressing my music,

that's not what I want. I want to progress. I want

to be a better musician. I wanted to leave my corporate

job, but I was just stuck because of this idea of

comfort and just knowing that

the unknown is scary.

That being said, I do want to say that I think that the

hard thing is like the medicine to growth. And it's the hard

that allows us to grow into who we want to be and to find the

things that we want to chase after and to not be stagnant and

stuck and frustrated and, you

know, feeling like, is there more? You

know, I guess I'm specifically thinking about a job in this case.

But yeah, just that feeling of being stuck and trapped somewhere but

not knowing what to do with it. And

yeah, doing the hard things is what pushes you out of your comfort zone and

allows you to grow and to see what it is that you care about. And

I think something that is never

encouraged in corporate culture and corporate life

is accepting failure and learning from failure

and being allowed to fail. When I was in a

corporate environment, and this relates to me

because I feel like when I was in corporate, I would have never been able

to do an open mic because I would just think about what are

my coworkers going to think? What if they ask what I did? What if they

find out I could never do it because it's embarrassing? They

don't know that I do this or that I use my voice. And

now that I don't really have that

straight and narrow path of the corporate way, I feel more at ease to be

able to do the things that I want, to chase the things that I want.

So, yeah, in corporate environment, I feel like there's

no room for failing at things. You have to

be perfect at stuff. You have to get it right the first time. There's consequences.

But there's so much to learn from failure and there's so much to learn

from the, like doing bad at something or being cringe at

something. I don't know how many times have you thought

that you wanted to go do something, but then you're like, eh, what are my

friends gonna think? Even just posting something online, something as

simple as that, like, oh, I want to post about this cool thing that I'm

doing. And then you think, well, my friend might think this or my

mom might think this, so I'm not gonna do it. And

that sucks. That sucks to not do the thing that you want to do

because you're thinking about what other people are going to Think of you.

So, yeah, do the hard thing. I think doing the hard thing is

the area that you're. It's the most helpful thing

in learning about yourself. And for me,

leaving the corporate world and transitioning out of the corporate world and getting

rid of that corporate mindset, a lot of it has been about

me trying to figure out who I am and what I like and what I

care about and what I'm passionate about. And I

think I can

attribute figuring that stuff out by doing hard things, by going

and networking or starting a business or

trying to meet new people, find community. The things that are hard for

me, and they're different for everyone, but doing the things

that are a little bit outside your comfort zone.

I want to pause for a second. I feel like I go on a little

off my script.

Yes. Okay. So like I said, doing the hard thing is

where you'll find what you care about. And also what I want to say about

being cringe and thinking of what other people think about us. I think

you will be surprised. I've been surprised at how many people are actually

supportive, and I think that 90% of people are actually

supportive, and there's like, 10% of people that will say something

critical or say something mean. And it's much more frequent online.

Like, in real life, people don't have the guts to say something

mean because they don't even really mean it. And I think

when somebody does say something mean, it's so easy to internalize it and to make

it feel like we're not good enough, or I

should have been better at this, or they're right, but it's really not about

us at all. Like, when somebody lashes out and says something mean,

it's because they're not feeling good of themselves and they're

feeling frustrated of their lives or where they're at. Or maybe they're stuck in

a job they hate and they're pissed at the guy making a YouTube video

because maybe that's what they want to be doing. And,

you know, so it's never about you. And if you could depersonalize it and,

you know, it still hurts. So it's still, you know, a negative thing. Still hurts.

So you could accept that and then sort of move on. Feel your

feelings and move on and realize that it's really not about you

and focusing more on the people that do support you.

And, yeah, I've noticed just, like, how supportive, especially in

open mic community and the New Haven songwriting circle,

there's just so many supportive people, and that's so

helpful when you're putting yourself out there to have all these supportive people that you

know are going to support you. Even if you end up crashing and

burning, or worst case scenario, if you're not perfect,

they're going to still support you. And that's great feeling to

have. And I think that that's more to focus on than the

few negative people. And then the last thing,

too, with trying something new and trying something hard.

It always kind of feels like you're behind, I think. And for

me, I feel like I'm far behind. I'm like, oh, I

should have been playing out much sooner than this. I've been

making music for a while and now it's the first time I feel behind.

But that's such a

excuse to not do it. Feeling behind

could be valid, but I think it's more so

an excuse and a scapegoat to not do it. Like, if I tell

myself, you should have been doing open

mics, that's like, entry, barrier, barrier.

What's the saying? Entry level. Like barrier to entry.

No, entry level. That's what I mean. That's like entry level

music stuff. Like, you should be doing shows and you should be doing that. But

that's not where I'm at right now. And I could tell myself that I shouldn't

even bother because I should be further along, but that's

what keeps you stuck and that's what keeps you from

not chasing after it and not like,

starting and not starting somewhere. So I think that

that feeling of not being behind can also hold you back from

doing the thing that's hard. So maybe try to keep that in mind,

you know? And then lastly, I think,

like, being kind to yourself is. Is always something that's coming

up. It's especially in something like this where, like,

I'm thinking about myself going and doing an open mic tonight. I'm gonna

really try to remind myself to, like, be kind to myself. And I don't have

to be perfect. And, you know, just

getting there and doing it is the goal. It doesn't really matter how I sound.

It's just really a matter of doing it, because then I can grow from there

and I could be, you know, do it again and get better and improve.

So really reminding myself to be kind to myself in this. In this moment

and in this situation. And then one thing

that I think is helpful, I think my brother told me this one time

where he said he went to the doctor, but he liked to. I don't even

know if he said it specifically. But he gets a coffee or an ice

cream or something when he goes to the doctor because it's like, we never

want to go to the Doctor. Who wants to go? But when you go and

bring yourself there and you're like, okay, I did it, celebrate with something

little, you know, like have a coffee or an ice cream. And I actually

tried that one time when I went to the doctor and I got a donut

afterwards. And I was like, you know, it lets you feel proud of yourself. It

lets you pause for a second and be like, huh, okay, cool. I did

that. I did that thing. So I'll have to think about how I want to

celebrate after I do this.

But, yeah, anyways, I. I think it's important to acknowledge that.

So kind of getting back to the subject of the fear of starting something

new and the fear of being cringe.

The takeaway from this episode is, what's one thing that

you're fearing? What's one thing that you feel like is too cringe to do

or embarrassing to do or

something that feels really hard, but it's something

that you've been thinking about for a while and it's something that keeps coming back

to you. What is that one thing? And

can you make progress towards that? Can you make a small step towards that?

Can you do it? Can you make that post or start that

YouTube channel or start the business or make new friends?

What's the one thing that you can do that's hard

and how do you get there? And for me,

it's small steps. It's thinking about

leaning on your support and,

yeah, just thinking about doing it anyways. Just thinking about,

we have one life and we're in control of it. And if we want to

go do something, it's up to us to go do it. And

it doesn't matter what other people think. It really doesn't. And at

the end of the day, nobody's paying attention to you. You know, you think that,

like, people are paying attention to you all the time, but they're

not. And, you know, they'll take the good and leave the bad. So

it doesn't. It doesn't matter too much. And to try to

not take it so seriously, I have to remind myself that all the time

too, like, not to take things too seriously. Like, it's just an open

mic night, not a big deal. You know, just go do it.

Start somewhere and move forward with that progress.

So, yeah, hopefully that's been helpful. Hopefully that makes sense. I feel like

it's the season or the day that I'm in today of

forcing and facing the hard thing. Forcing myself to do the hard thing.

Facing the hard thing, Feeling my feelings and doing

it anyways. And yeah,

that's the takeaway from this episode. I don't have the three steps

or anything, but, you know, if you do

struggle with being kind to yourself, I do have a PDF at the

link in every episode. It's a seven day guide of softening

your inner critic. So if you do struggle with your inner

criticism and being kind to yourself, hopefully this guide can help you.

Yeah, that's. That's all I got for today. Wish me luck

at my open mic and I will see you on another episode

real soon. Thank you. Thank you for being here.